Stealing Joy From Ourselves by Kim Salisbury
I fell in love with yoga so fast and quick that after just a couple of months of practicing I found myself sitting in my first yoga teacher training. I remember feeling for the first time in a while, out of my element. I was such a “baby” yogi. Not only did I not know the names of poses, I definitely could not pronounce the name of the poses, but more importantly I couldn’t do the poses. At the time I had no idea where this adventure would lead and more importantly what yoga would open up in my life.
I have been physically fit most of my life and had enough of a competitive edge to hold my own in most physical forums. I also was currently a personal trainer and Pilates instructor running intense boot camps. But this was different. Yoga is different. I remember on our first break approaching my teacher,somewhat sheepishly and asking if she could clarify downward facing dog. I think I surprised her. It was embarrassing but I intuitively knew that I was embarking on something that was potentially going to change my life and I wanted to get it right from the start.
Most of my fellow students in the training had practiced for a while and many of them were “advanced” yogis. To me they all looked beautiful and moved with an ease and grace that was not available to me at the time. Being a long time runner left me with hamstrings that would not budge and as we progressed through a warrior series, they felt nano seconds away from snapping like a rubber band. I remember awkwardly fidgeting and squirming while sitting in half lotus, my hips and lower back straining to become more upright. I remember flipping the dog and landing on my neighbors mat. I remember warrior series bringing me to the verge of tears because my thighs were on fire. I remember twisting and contorting and then seeing myself in the mirror and not looking at all like anyone else in the room. I remember slamming against the mirror, striving , pushing and forcing hand stand steps ups. I remember crashing down on my head many times in crow. I remember wanting to bolt upright and storm out the room in half pigeon because of it being so uncomfortable. I had a long way to go and I’m not just referring to the poses.
All these memories are surprisingly beautiful to me because of where I am now. Not because of now being able to do those poses with greater ease, but because what working through the poses taught me. It is beautiful to me because I was humbled. It was challenging to my ego and it wasn’t just bruised but raw and bloody. It also taught me the wonderful concept of Asteya (non-stealing). I was so intense about the final outcome that I was robbing the joy of the pursuit. I was stealing from myself because of my expectations. Thankfully I saw enough of a treasure in yoga to want to continue. To want to practice daily. To want to put the time, patience and hard work into seeing my mind, body and spirit transform. With my competitive spirit and always wanting to do things well right from the start it could’ve ended differently. I could’ve quit and that would have been a lifelong devastation.
Through those first trying months of teacher training I learned that striving, pushing and forcing never equate accomplishing. I learned that once I accepted where my body was at in that moment, I started to heal. I learned that if I was to embrace yoga and all that it is, I would have to ditch my ego and competitive drive. I learned that once I surrendered and let go then my body reshaped, realigned, and began to restore. I learned that the “advanced” yogi in full splits at the front of the room was not necessarily the most “advanced” yogi. I learned that loving myself was more important than any cool yoga pose. I learned that being able to express gratitude for the present moment with all it’s challenges was a gift that I cannot place value. I learned so much on the mat that has made me a better person in my life.
When I work with new students I relate and remember the frustration. Because my body has opened and transformed the new student thinks that I am talking out of the side of my mouth. They think that my flexibility is natural and genetic. But it is all very fresh and real to me. With gratitude it is very vivid and clear how far I have come. It is also very clear how far I have to go. Just as the beginner with the long list of poses to master I too have my list. But I approach the list with more love, gratitude and ease knowing that I have all the time in the world to practice yoga.